Vic dana 2004/2005/.../2015/20XX

[munevera44]

Došao Sanader na Slovensku granicu, pita ga carinik: Kuda Ivo?

Sanader: Po zimske gume u Sloveniju

Carinik: Samo se ti vrati, u Hrvatskoj te čekaju kvalitetni lanci...

više nije vice nego istina

[GandalfSivi]

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.1.1699.
Kakve li zle sreće! Uhvatila nas je oluja i bili smo prisiljeni iskrcat
se
na pustom otoku - nas 20 hrabrih momaka i najružnija žena na svijetu,
kuharica Mary.

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.2.1699.
Kad je bolje upoznate, shvatite da Mary zapravo i nije tako ružna. Mnogi
od
momaka već je svakodnevno posjećuju. Mislim da sam zaljubljen ...

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.4.1699.
Svi imamo divan ljubavni život s našom Mary. Koje li sreće sto je i ona
bila
s nama na brodu. Naprosto ne znamo sto bismo sad bez nje. Malo me brine
što
Mary već prilicno ruzno kaslje.

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.6.1699.
Mary je teško bolesna. Groznica je trese već danima, a počela je i
odbijati
hranu. Svi je njegujemo, ali nemamo ni liječnika ni pravih lijekova.
Bojim se onog najgoreg!

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.7.1699.
Shrvan bolom uzimam pero u ruku zapisati da se desilo ono cega smo se
svi
najviše bojali. Naša Mary, nasa jedina najdraža Mary je mrtva. Slava joj
...

Kapetanov dnevnik 1.11.1699.
Zakopali smo našu Mary.

Kapetanov dnevnik 15.11.1699.
Iskopali smo našu Mary.

Uzas

[exliberal]

Different Dates

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date:
You get to have sex but only when
she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.



CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized
Nothing is ever going to happen.



INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.

Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.

Third date:
Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.



MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date:
She's pregnant.

Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters,
her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a
home along the Tijuana strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier



ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.

No third date!!



The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[exliberal]

Ulaze mali Perica, policajac, plavuša, Mujo i Haso u kafić i sjedaju za stol.
Prilazi im konobar i kaže: - Što je ovo, neki vic?!?

[Neelix]

super je ovaj sa zenama

[The Nightwatchman]

Ulaze mali Perica, policajac, plavuša, Mujo i Haso u kafić i sjedaju za stol.
Prilazi im konobar i kaže: - Što je ovo, neki vic?!?

ovo mi je uvijek bio kul vic

[perfect_guy]

Vijagra po hrvatski?

Meki to rabi

[cnut]

kako zemunac spava?
-utrpa jorgan u trenerku.

[ladyada]

Americki i Njemacki novinari u Muslimanskom selu, negdje u Bosni, razgovaraju sa mjestanima:
-Mujo, ima li kod vas nacionalizma u selu?
-Ma kakav nacionalizam, mi ga mrzimo vise nego Srbe.

[drenmajster]

Americki i Njemacki novinari u Muslimanskom selu, negdje u Bosni, razgovaraju sa mjestanima:
-Mujo, ima li kod vas nacionalizma u selu?
-Ma kakav nacionalizam, mi ga mrzimo vise nego Srbe.

Pralelan i malo slican ali skoro pa istinit vic.
Pitali novinari Muju poslije prvih demokratskih izbora-da li vise voli komunizam ili demokratiju?
Ma kaki komunizam kaze Mujo-samo demokratija-KO JE PROTIV DEMOKRATIJE JA BI GA ZAKLO KO VLAHA

[drenmajster]

Ulaze mali Perica, policajac, plavuša, Mujo i Haso u kafić i sjedaju za stol.
Prilazi im konobar i kaže: - Što je ovo, neki vic?!?

[paloma]

Evo punih 100 kratkih:

1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
30. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

31. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.

41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

51. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
52. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
55. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
56. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
57. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
58. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

61. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
62. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
63. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
64. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
65. If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
66. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
67. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
68. A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
69. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
70. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

71. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
72. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
73. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
74. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
75. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
76. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
78. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
79. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
80. Opinions are indeed like assholes, some are just bigger than others.

81. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
82. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
83. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
84. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
86. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
87. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
88. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
89. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
90. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

91. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
92. Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
93. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
94. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
95. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
96. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
97. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
98. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
99. I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
100. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

[medvjed23]

Evo punih 100 kratkih:

1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
63. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
64. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
65. If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
81. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
84. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
93. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
99. I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

[Intimus]

Dođe čovjek kući uveče pijan k'o letva, i zavuče se pored supruge koja je već spavala.
Kad se probudio ugledao je čudnog čovjeka kako stoji pored kreveta, noseći dugu bijelu haljinu.
- Ko si ti? - upita čovjek.
- Ja sam Sveti Petar!
- Jel' to znači da sam ja mrtav?
- Da!
- Ali, imam još toliko razloga za život, nisam se oprostio od familije... Moraš me poslati nazad i to odmah.
- Čuj, možeš se reinkarnirati, ali postoji kvaka: mogu te poslati nazad ali samo kao psa ili kao kokoš.
- Onda bolje kao kokoš pošto znam da ima farma odmah blizu moje kuće.
Sv. Petar pljesne rukama, pojavi se svjetlost i čovjek se nađe prekriven perjem kako kljuca okolo po dvorištu.
Dođe pijetao do njega i pita ga:
- Šta, znači, ti si nova ovdje, jel' uživaš prvi dan?
- Da, super je, ali imam čudan osjećaj iznutra - kao da ću eksplodirati.
- Ma nije to ništa. Nemoj mi reći da nikad nisi snijela jaje?! Ako nisi, samo se opusti i pusti da sve ide svojim tokom.
I on se opusti, a poslije par trenutaka izleti jaje. I obuzme ga neka čudna milina jer je po prvi put osjetio materinstvo.
Kad je snijeo drugo jaje, obuzeo ga je val emocija i znao je da je reinkarnacija u kokoš nešto najbolje u životu što mu se moglo desiti... Ikada!!!
Osjećaj je bio fenomenalan i taman kad je htio snijeti i treće jaje osjeti udarac u potiljak i čuje ženu kako viče:
- Probudi se, pička ti materina pijana, sereš po krevetu!!!!!!!

[Lullaby5]

Pita učiteljica đake - Šta je to najbrže na svijetu?
Kaže jedna djevojčica - Zvuk
Da, zvuk je brz, ali zna li neko nešto još brže?
Svjetlost - reče neko.
Da, to je još brže, ali šta mislite ima li nešto još brže?
Mali Perica tada reče: - Ima, misao.
Bravo Perice, misao je stvarno najbrža.
Sutradan u školi diže se Perica i reče: - Učiteljice, sinoć sam shvatio da ima nešto brže i od misli.
A šta to Perice?
Moj tata. Sinoć je mami u krevetu rekao: Oprosti, svršio sam brže nego što sam mislio.

[PalaSa Marsa]

kako zemunac spava?
-utrpa jorgan u trenerku.

[Intimus]

Kako se zove muški, a kako ženski šupak?
Muški je anus, ženski je bonus!!

[StLouis]

Seta se Svabo Lickom sumom i na nekom proplanku vidi Licanina kako igra sah sa medvjedom.
Svabo u nevjerici gleda sat vremena pa pridje Licaninu i kaže:
- Pa to je pravi fenomen, prodaj mi ga da ga vodim u Njemacku.
Licanin: - A sto da vodis njega, pa ja vodim 3:2.




Zvoni telefon u policijskoj stanici i policajac se javlja:
-Upomoć, policija, policija! Ušla mi mačka u kuću!
-Gospođo, smirite se, pa to je samo mačka!
-Nisam ja gospođa, nego papagaj!

[PalaSa Marsa]

Seta se Svabo Lickom sumom i na nekom proplanku vidi Licanina kako igra sah sa medvjedom.
Svabo u nevjerici gleda sat vremena pa pridje Licaninu i kaže:
- Pa to je pravi fenomen, prodaj mi ga da ga vodim u Njemacku.
Licanin: - A sto da vodis njega, pa ja vodim 3:2.




Zvoni telefon u policijskoj stanici i policajac se javlja:
-Upomoć, policija, policija! Ušla mi mačka u kuću!
-Gospođo, smirite se, pa to je samo mačka!
-Nisam ja gospođa, nego papagaj!

Za papagaja

[atko]

Sto nemogu ovih kvotanja

[PalaSa Marsa]

Sto nemogu ovih kvotanja

[Neelix]

Sto nemogu ovih kvotanja

dobar

[stachu]

Sto nemogu ovih kvotanja

dobar

[atko]

dobar

ko ogranici na max 3 kvotanja ...

[Ridjobrki]

Još jedan od Krajišnika o Ličanima:

Igrali Ličani i međedi prijateljsku nogometnu utakmicu, jedan Ličanin dolazi na utakmicu sa zakašnjenjem i pita na tribinama prvog do sebe:

- Jel', kojo su naši?


P.S. Nemoj da bi mi se ko narug'o za ovo ''međed''. Medvjedi žive u zoo-vrtovima, a ono što hoda po šumama Krajine i Like i nama brsti kuruze je međed i nikako drugovačije.