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besana wrote:U vozu sjede konez, amerikanac, nijemac i bosanac. Nakon nekog vremena, ustade kinez i vreću punu riže izbaci kroz prozor. Ostali, šokirani: "Šta ti je? Jesi li normalan? Što baci rižu? "
Kinez: "Ama mi toga imamo puno, previše"
Voze se dalje, kad ustade amerikanac i baci punu šaku dolara kroz prozor.
Ostali, iznenađeno: "Šta ti je, idiote, jesi normalan, što bacaš pare'?"
Amerikanac: "Ama imamo mi toga, na bacanje"
Voze se oni dalje, kad odjednom, nijemac se zagleda u bosanca.
Bosanac, uplašeno: "NE DO TI BOG!"
Razgovaraju dva seika:
- Ja volim sportske tipove zena.
- I ja. Juce sam se ozenio rukometnom reprezentacijom.
Na prodaju mali beli kamiončić,s u odličnom stanju, prvi vlasnik, nije mnogo prešao, maksimalna brzinah 25km/h, ima ugrađenu vitrinu, idealan za prodaju sladoleda u letnjem periodu. Za sve informacije obratite se lično šefu voznog parka ili konsultujte sajt: http://www.vatican.it
Stariji par lezi u krevetu. Muz pospan, kunja, a zeni do romantike.
Ona: Kad si mi se jos udvarao, drzao si me za ruku u krevetu...
On se okrene, za sekund je uhvati za ruku i pokusava konacno zaspati.
Za par sekundi opet ona: Onda si me poljubio...
Muz se opet okrene, poljubi je u lice i okrene se natrag.
Za pola minute ona: Onda si mi grickao vrat...
On ljutito odgrne deku i skoci na noge.
Ona: Kuda ides?
On: Po zube!
Umrla Muji majka i otisao on da joj kupi sanduk za dzenazu. Dosao kod ovog frajera sto prodaje i pita:
- Kakvih sanduka imete??
Kaze mu ovaj tip:
- Imamo ovih nekih puno drvo, rezbaroneo, pozlacene rucke, .... i kosta 100 KM
Kaze mu Mujo:
- De bolan, ima li ista jeftinije
Kaze prodavac:
- Imaj ovaj nesto manje kvalitetan, nije puno drvo, .... 50 KM
Kaze Mujo:
- Haj nemoj jebavat, ima li jos ista jeftinije
Kaze on:
- Imamo ovaj najobicniji, najjeftiniji, samo obicna daska skovana i obicni poklopac, 20 KM
Kaze Mujo:
- E puno ti je i to burazeru, ima li ista povoljnije
Kaze mu prodavac:
- Dobro Mujo, koliko ti imas para
Kaze Mujo:
- 10 KM
Kaze prodavac:
- Pa hajde onda dovedi majku da joj rucke ugradimo
Svabo je poznat kao pedantan i uredan.
Tako i obavjestenja o zabrani pusenja pise na vise jezika.
Ali u nasem se malo zaHebao. Zna da ima grupa sa imenom
koji odgovara zabrani pusenja, ali se zeznuo i zamjenio "kajdanku" :
Imali Fata i Mujo mačku. Fata ju je prilično voljela, ali Mujo ju je mrzio.
Odluči Mujo da je se nekako otarasi. Skont'o da je odnese i ostavi negdje u naselju. To slijedeći dan, kad nije bilo Fate i učini. Vrati se kući, kad tek što je uš'o na vrata, ugleda mačku na trosjedu.
Odluči on da je slijedeći dan odnese na drugi kraj grada. To i učini.
Vrati se kući, kad ista slika kao od prethodnog dana, mačka na trosjedu.
Otiđe on narednog dana u šumu kraj grada i ostavi tamo mačku.
Kad se vraćao, izgubi se. Međutim, imao je mobilni te nazva Fatu. Ona se javi, a on je pita:
Svabo je poznat kao pedantan i uredan.
Tako i obavjestenja o zabrani pusenja pise na vise jezika.
Ali u nasem se malo zaHebao. Zna da ima grupa sa imenom
koji odgovara zabrani pusenja, ali se zeznuo i zamjenio "kajdanku" :
jao, i ja sam ovo dobila od prijateljice, ali nisam znala sliku postavit
Zaustavio policajac Muju i trazi mu dokumente.
Mujo mu da dokumente medutim u njima plasticna kasikica.
Pita ga policajac; Mujo a sta ti je ovo.
Mujo odgovara; to je vama za kafu
Sjede u putnickom vagonu: Kinez, Amerikanac, Bosanac i Nijemac.
Odjednom ustane Kinez i baci kroz prozor kosaru punu rize.
Amerikanac ga pogleda i zacudjeno pita:
- Zasto si bacio rizu, pa steta je...
- Ma, u Kini imamo rize k'o govana - veli Kinez.
Malo kasnije, ustane Amerikanac i baci svezanj dolara kroz prozor. Nijemac se prenerazi:
- Zasto baci dolare van?
- Pa, mi u Americi imamo dolara ko govana - veli Amerikanac.
Sjede oni dalje tako, nato Nijemac pogleda Bosanca, a Bosanac ce brzo:
- Nemoj da ti slucajno padne na pamet!
"Ma daj, ne budi smiješna" - reče joj Adam - "pa uopće nemaš rupu, k'o barbika si dole."
I Eva se rasplače. Tako sjedi ona kraj jezera i plače.....kad dođe joj zlatna ribica.
"Zašto plačeš, Evo?" - pita ju ribica.
"Adam me neće karat jer nemam rupu, jer sam k'o barbika..." - reče joj Eva.
"Ma nema frke, zvat ćemo rodu pa će ti ona napravit rupu." - reče joj ribica.
I dodje roda, napravi joj rupu.......i od onda žene imaju rupe, a rode crvene kljunove.
Dodje Eva onda Adamu i pita ga: "Hoćeš se sad karat? Vidi, imam rupu..."
"Ma daj, pa pogledaj se, ćelava si dolje k'o trogodišnje dijete." - reče joj Adam.
I Eva se opet rasplače. Dođe joj opet zlatna ribica i pita "Pa Evo, zašto sad plačeš?"
"Adam me neće karat jer nemam dlaka dole." - reče joj Eva.
"Ma nema frke, sredit ćemo i to!"
Ode ribica do majmuna i reče mu: "Ajde daj malo dlaka, da ih damo Evi!"
Majmun obrije dlake s guzice i od onda majmuni imaju ćelave guzice, a žene stidne dlake.
Dođe sad Eva Adamu: "Hoćeš se sad karat, imam i dlake i rupu!"
"Ma daj, ne budi smiješna. Pa pogledaj se, skroz si suha dole, nažuljat ću se." - reče joj Adam.
Eva opet u plač, opet joj dodje zlatna ribica: "Pa što sad nije u redu, Evo?"
"Adam kaže da sam suha dolje, da će se nažuljat." - reče joj Eva.
"Ih, pa to je najmanji problem" - reče ribica - "Samo me uzmi u ruku i provući nekoliko puta pa ćeš biti vlažna". Eva to učini i od onda se ne zna jel' riba smrdi po
Momak na Bjelasnici borda i u jednom trenutku izgubi ravnotezu i padne.Ruksak koji je bio na ledjima ode na jednu stanu,momak na drugu i tako ostane u lezecem polozaju i on psuje sam sebi sto se to desilo.Prilaze dva
"spasioca" i pitaju: "Momak,jesi li se povrijedio?".Povrijedjeni odgovara: "Ma,kriv je ovaj led"."Spasioci" uglas: " Trazi faul"
zakuhalo izmedju slovenije i amerike, samo sto nije rat. i slovenci da ih prevare udare prvi i bace atomsku na new york, pa bjez u sklonista.
nakon sedam dana izadju iz sklonista, kad ono sve u redu, nema odgovora amerikanaca (oni kontali da ce ih sravnit sa zemljom)
zovu onu busha, pitaju sta je, sto ste se prepali, sto ne odgovarate a bush ce njima:
samo da vas nadjemo na karti, yebacemo vam mamicu
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch
to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Hrabrost: Kada dodjes kuci usred noci dobro pijan, a zena te ceka sa metlom u ruci, a ti je upitas: "cistis ili se spremas da nekamo odletis?"
Cool: Kada dodjes kuci usred noci, mirises na parfem i imas sminku na kosulji. Opalis zenu po guzici i kazes: "Ti si slijedeca!"
Veoma Cool: Kada dodjes usred noci pijan kuci, zena je vec u krevetu, ali jos Ne spava. Uzmes stolicu i sjednes ispred njenog kreveta. Na njezino pitanje: "sto radis?", odgovoris: "zelim sjediti u prvom redu kada započne cirkus."
