Vic dana 2004/2005/.../2015/20XX

[burek_in_space]

munze konza

Vaistinu konza!

[Chmoljo]

munze konza

Vaistinu konza!

jel to onaj crnački praznik?

[bato99]

Kladio se Mujo sa Sujom da čovjek kome je farbao stan u stanu ima zlatnu šolju.

Sujo;Daj-ba jarane okle zlatna šolja u WC-u?

Mujo:Svega mi!,ajmo otic kod čovjeka pa ćeš vidit.

Odu ti oni u Zagreb da se Sujo uvijeri.Dolaze pred kuću,pozvone na vrata.Vrata se otvore,kad Gabi Novak na vratima.

Mujo:Dobar dan gospodjo.Ja,sam Mujo ,a ovo je moj jaran Sujo.Prije par dana sam vam farbo kuću i ako je moguce samo da ovom Suji levatu pokazem da vi imate zlatnu šolju u WC-u.

Kad ce ti Gabi Novak: ARSENEEEEEEEEEEEEE,EVO TI GA ONAJ STO TI SE POSRO U SAKSOFON!!!!!!!

[bato99]

...

[burek_in_space]

Evo josh malo o Zemuncima

Dolazi Zemunac u trafiku.
Zemunac: - Tebra, imaš papirne maramice?
Prodavac: - Imam samo "Paloma".
Zemunac: - Pa loma mi i treba!

--------------------------------------

Uciteljica u Zemunu ispituje prvake matematiku:
- Marice, ajde ti: koliko je 2+2?
- 4, uciteljice!
- Bravo! A 3+3?
- 6!!!!!!
- Odlično Marice! A koliko jeeee.... 3+2??
- Mmmmmm.... 5!!!!
- Odlično, Marice!
U tom momentu mali Zemunac ustaje, vadi utoku i ispaljuje 4 metka u Maricu.
Uciteljica: - Po...pobogu, dete, šta si to uradio???!!!!
Mali Zemunac: - Morao sam, brate... Previše je znala!

------------------------------------------

Setaju cale i sin Zemunci centrom, naravno, Zemuna, i mali vidi veliko M na Mc Donald's-u.
Sin: - Cale, s'a je ono veliko M na onoj zgradi?
Cale: - M kao Munze, slinavi!


-----------------------------------------

Pricaju dva zemunca:
- brate, ajmo danas na bazen!
- necu brate, vlada kolera.
- ma koji bre Vlada Kolera, nemoj da mu ja malo j**em mater!

[bato99]

Obogatio se Mujo posle rata u Sarajevu.
Pita ga Haso:
- Jel bolan Mujo, kako si se obogatio ?
- Pa eto, prodajem lignje UNPROFOR-CIMA
- Pa odkud ti bolan lignje u Sarajevu ?
- A pusti bolan, šta znaju UNPROFORCI šta je sunet.

[bato99]

..ženska u autu na semaforu i kraj nje staje Mujo sa svojim autom.
Gledaju se oni i Mujo počne otvarati prozor. Cura sva sretna počne
takođe otvarati prozor misleći da će joj Mujo nešto reći... a Mujo će:

-Šta je, i ti prdnula?

[bato99]

U vlaku, u kupeu, sjede zgodna plavuša, časna sestra, Hrvat i Slovenac. Uđe vlak u tunel, nastane totalni mrak i u mraku se čuje masna šamarčina. Izađe vlak iz tunela, a Slovenac se drži za obraz i gleda zbunjeno.
Misli se časna "Sigurno je ovaj prostak pipkao plavušu, pa mu je ova vratila kako spada."
Misli se plavuša "Sigurno je ovaj išao pipkat mene, pa je slučajno dohvatio časnu, i dobio po zubima."
Misli se Slovenac "Sigurno je ovaj priprosti Hrvat išao pipkat neku od ove dvije pa sam ja dobio šamarčinu ni kriv ni dužan."
Misli se Hrvat "Kad će opet tunel da mu zaljepim još jednu, majku mu jebem slovensku!"

[DoradO]

Tri žene kupuju krastavce, pa će prva:
• Dajte mi par kraćih i debljih.
Druga:
• A meni dužih i tanjih.
Treća:
• Meni je svejedno, trebaju mi za salatu

[moler]

munze konza

Vaistinu konza!

zar su baš zeznuti?
mislim zemunci....

[The Nightwatchman]

Kladio se Mujo sa Sujom da čovjek kome je farbao stan u stanu ima zlatnu šolju.

Sujo;Daj-ba jarane okle zlatna šolja u WC-u?

Mujo:Svega mi!,ajmo otic kod čovjeka pa ćeš vidit.

Odu ti oni u Zagreb da se Sujo uvijeri.Dolaze pred kuću,pozvone na vrata.Vrata se otvore,kad Gabi Novak na vratima.

Mujo:Dobar dan gospodjo.Ja,sam Mujo ,a ovo je moj jaran Sujo.Prije par dana sam vam farbo kuću i ako je moguce samo da ovom Suji levatu pokazem da vi imate zlatnu šolju u WC-u.

Kad ce ti Gabi Novak: ARSENEEEEEEEEEEEEE,EVO TI GA ONAJ STO TI SE POSRO U SAKSOFON!!!!!!!

okinawa!!!!!!!

[Josip]

Dječak sjedi na pločniku i plače. Dolazi Superman i pita ga: 'Tko te dirao, dečko?'
Dječak kroz suze odgovara: 'Chuck Norris.'
Superman: 'E, j....., što si ga provocirao...'

[burek_in_space]

munze konza

Vaistinu konza!

zar su baš zeznuti?
mislim zemunci....

Evo ti odgovor u obliku josh jednog vica:

Zashto snijeg ne pada u Zemunu?!
Da ga ne bi izgazili!

[kv99]

@ bato99
Onaj vic sto si postavio o Muji i Hasi kad su pustili zene u provod je stvarno odvratan. Neka je vic i 100 puta ali je odvratan da ne mogu da zamislim. Seru u haremu i brisu guzicu sa trakom od vijenca za poginule borce Vrijedzanje umrlih a pogotovo poginulih boraca na takav nacin je ispod svake kritike i norme ponasanja normalna covjeka. Zamisli da je tebi neko bliznji poginuo u 1 Brigadi i procitas da se neko sali na takav nacin o mezarima gdje leze ? Da je tebi sala da neko sere po njima

[bato99]

@kv99 i @besana evo obrisaću ga odmah...sorry nije namjera bila ikog povrijediti

[jazzer]

Mesar se jako iznenadio kad je vidio da mu pas ulazi u mesnicu, pa ga je otjerao...
ali, kasnije, evo psa opet...
priđe on psu i vidi mu cedulju u ustima...
uzme je, a tamo piše: "ako može šest kobasica i janjeći but, molit ću... pas ima i novac u ustima."
pogleda, i stvarno uz cedulju je deset dolara...
uzme on novac, spakira narudžbu u vrećicu i da psu da uhvati u čeljust...
to ga se sve toliko dojmilo, da je odlučio zatvoriti i krenuti za psom...
pas ide niz ulicu i stiže do semafora na dugme...
spušta vrećicu, pritiska dugme, uzima vrećicu, strpljivo čeka zeleno...
prelazi ulicu, mesar za njim...
stiže do autobusne stanice, i gleda u red vožnje...
mesar je očaran...
pas nalazi svoj bus, i sjeda na klupu...
nailazi bus, pas obiđe da vidi prednji kraj, pogleda broj, vraća se na klupu.
nailazi drugi bus, pas ode i pogleda broj linije, aha to je taj, ulazi...
mesar za njim, sad već otvorenih usta...
bus ide preko pola grada, na drugi kraj u predgrađa, pas razgleda pejzaž...
na kraju ustaje, ide do prednjeg kraja busa, propinje se na zadnje
šape, pritiska dugme da bus stane...
silazi, s vrećicom i dalje u ustima...
i tako idu mesar i pas trotoarom, kad jednom pas skrene do kuće...
stazom do vrata, ostavlja vrećicu na pragu, zalijeće se i udara
cijelim tijelom o vrata...
uzima još veći zalet i opet se baca na vrata...
iz kuće se nitko ne javlja...
pas se vraća stazom, preskače živicu, ide oko vrta, priskače do
prozora, lupa glavom o okvir nekoliko puta, a onda se vraća do ulaznih
vrata...
iza vrata se promalja grmalj, uzima vrećicu s praga i onda se počne
derati na psa i šutirati ga...
mesar: "za ime svijeta, što vam je, pa taj pas je čisti genij...! što
se mene tiče, mogao bi nastupiti na televiziji...!"
grmalj: "ovo genij? 'ajde...! ovo mu je već drugi put ovog tjedna da
je zaboravio ključeve..."

pouka:

možete nadmašiti očekivanja promatrača, ali šefova nikad...!

[sheilak]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

[exliberal]

kako se zove osoba sto neraspoznaje boje.....daltonista

kao se zove osoba koja raspoznaje boje......rasista

[StLouis]

Barry's colonoscopy journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

T hen Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter< /SPAN> plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarmwater.. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, it makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies....

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are klix comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there > yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[DoradO]

Mladi bračni par, oženjeni tek 10-ak dana, ono ševe se još ko blesavi...
Dolazi muž sa posla i pita:
- "E `oćemo da ručamo, pa da se *aramo ili da se *aramo pa da ručamo?"
Zena:
- "Kako oćeš, pa da ručamo."

[StLouis]

Mladi bračni par, oženjeni tek 10-ak dana, ono ševe se još ko blesavi...
Dolazi muž sa posla i pita:
- "E `oćemo da ručamo, pa da se *aramo ili da se *aramo pa da ručamo?"
Zena:
- "Kako oćeš, pa da ručamo."

eh, kako se nekad jelo i pilo i

[arzuhal]

[rajvosa 69]

Igraju se dva pedera zmure.Kaze jedan peder drugome,trazi me,trazi me. Ako me nadjes j.b. me a ako me nenadjes u ormaru sam !!!!!!!!!

[drekalica28]

Vodili ljubav Mujo i Fata. I kaže Fata Muji:

· Bodi, Mujo!

· Bodem, Fato!

· Bodi, Mujo!

· Bodem, Fato!

· Ma skini mi bodi bolan Mujo!

[Šeherzada]

Vodili ljubav Mujo i Fata. I kaže Fata Muji:

· Bodi, Mujo!

· Bodem, Fato!

· Bodi, Mujo!

· Bodem, Fato!

· Ma skini mi bodi bolan Mujo!